Fade to Black
by Anushka
Summary: Completed. Life is spiralling out of control for Nick and Sara. Pairing NS
1. Default Chapter

**Disclaimer**: Not mine, never has been and never will be.

**A/N**: This is my first planned multiple chapter story, which I have been working on since February. You may think it has similarities to "Grave Danger", but every similarity is pure coincidence. I hope you enjoy.

**Pairing**: N/S

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**Fade to Black**

_Grissom_

I wondered if she thought I was Nick since she kept repeating his name. I could hear her gasp for air, I could almost feel her pain. I had heard her scream. I had personally interviewed all the victims who survived the attacks of the psychopath who was now holding Sara captive, so I knew and I understood. I understood better than anyone else what was happening in the room just twenty meters away from where I was standing. The FBI agent standing in front of me was frantically signaling me to say the things they had instructed me to say, but all I could think about was that she was asking for Nick and I wondered why, why she would do such a thing and just before the line went dead she asked me to tell Nick she was so sorry, so so sorry. It was then I realized she knew she was talking to me.

_Earlier_

It hadn't taken me long to understand what happened when I saw Brass and his men approaching me, one of them holding a small girl in their arms. I knew she was 15 years old, but she looked like she had just turned ten. She was the last one of the girls who went missing in a time period of two months. The last one, but the third one who was more alive than dead. The third one alive, but the first one I couldn't really be happy about. It crossed my mind that she looked like Sara. I thought Sara must have looked like her when she was 15 years old. It was then that I realized Sara wasn't with Brass and his men. I had sent Sara with Brass two hours ago. I had called her in on her first night off in three months. I had called her in, because I knew someone or something outside of work was making her happy. I had called her in, because I couldn't take it. I couldn't take her being happy and me not being the one making her happy.

Before I could ask Brass turned to me and said that Sara had traded places with the girl. Right that moment my brain shut down. Far away I could hear Brass say that Sara had said she wasn't afraid to die. She had said that death couldn't be as painful as life could be.

**TBC**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer**: Not mine, never has been and never will be.

**A/N**: This chapter is for Astralis, because I have been dangling this story in front of her and never given her much more to read other than chapter 1 and that wasn't very nice of me.

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**Fade to Black**

_Catherine_

I knew who was calling, but I asked anyway, wanting him to tell me he needed me, that he needed me professionally and personally. I could hear him breathing harshly into the receiver of his cell phone and I waited, waited patiently until he spoke the words I had craved to hear for so many months.

_"Catherine, I need you."_

Then he continued with words I should have expected, but didn't.

_"It's Sara."_

I could restrain myself and didn't reply with the words which were already formed but hadn't left my mouth yet.

_"Isn't it always?"_

I went to find Nick and Warrick. I needed them to keep me focused, I needed them to make sure my growing dislike of Sara wouldn't interfere with me doing my job.

It wasn't hard to find Nick. I had noticed he had taken up the habit of putting in overtime after every shift, he was supposedly finishing up backed up paperwork, but I knew he was staying late just in time to see the night shift arrive. I had tried to mold him into a real swing shift CSI, but I should have known of all people he would stay loyal to his friends on the night shift, but then again I don't think any of us really felt at home at the swing shift, not even me.

I observed him for a little while, he was tapping his pencil against the table in a steady rhythm. I knew he only did that when something was bothering him. Watching him I realized how much he had grown up, how much he had grown over the years, becoming the CSI most of us wanted to be.

I told him we were needed on a night shift case. I failed to mention something was wrong with Sara. I was going to need him to use his people skills with the night shift team especially Grissom as my own people skills had been failing me lately. I needed him to stay calm.

_Nick_

I was supposed to be doing my paperwork, but my thoughts kept drifting to Sara. They kept drifting back to the day that we hesitantly started to act on our feelings. I'm still grateful that it wasn't pain or desperation which led to that first kiss we shared. I will be eternally grateful that it didn't start on one of those dark days filled with horror. One of those days, which chills you to the bone and keeps you shivering for days.

A soft summer breeze was making her curls dance. The sight of her standing next to me on the rooftop of the building was keeping me mesmerized and she must have known I was watching her as she turned towards me, her head slightly turned to the side. I couldn't help myself when I tucked one of her curls behind her ear and as I did that I let my finger linger on her cheek. She closed her eyes and I continued my path tracing every line and curve, trying to remember them as if I would never see her again after that day. I leaned in and softly brushed my lips against hers. We just stood there and she never opened her eyes.

But that was then and this is now and somewhere in between the beauty of that first day was lost, but something that gets lost can be found again. I just pray it can, because this morning I did something I thought I wasn't capable of: I had hurt her and I had wanted to hurt her. I had purposely set out to hurt her, because she was hurting me like no one else had ever done before, like no one else would be able to do ever again.

The roller coaster we had been riding for the past week abruptly came to a halt this morning when my words, which are making me sick this very moment, caused a look in her eyes, which I will never forget.

The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced my words may have done irreparable damage.

Snapping out of my reverie I see Catherine standing in the doorway. She tells me we are needed on a night shift case. I'm exhausted, but I welcome the distraction. That look in her soulful brown eyes will be haunting me wherever I go.

**TBC**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer**: Not mine, never has been and never will be.

**Fade to Black**

_Grissom_

I keep holding on to the phone even though the line went dead several minutes ago. Brass gently takes it out of my hand and says something about my team needing me, but all I can think about is that one team member who needs me, that one team member who has been needing me for so long.

I turn around and see Greg and Sofia. Greg is losing it. He is sitting on the pavement, holding his legs close to his body, rocking backwards and forwards, his gaze turned to some point far away. Sofia is watching something in front of her and I turn to see what she is looking at. The sight sends chills down my spine. A television monitor has been placed strategically between the different FBI teams. It shows images from inside the room. It shows how Sara is lying on the floor in a fetal position, a small stream of blood running from her temple to her chin. I can not see the rise and fall of her chest indicating that she is still breathing. I think I'm going to be sick.

The word "displacement activity" invades my brain when I reach down to my pocket to retrieve my cell phone. I'm planning to call Catherine and tell her... I don't know what I am going to tell her. I know what I want to tell her. I want to tell her not to bring Nick, but while I'm contemplating what to say Sofia reaches out to me and when I look up and see them approaching us: Catherine, Warrick. And Nick.

_Sofia_

I have been observing Grissom ever since I arrived at the scene and I realize he loves her. In his own strange way he has always loved her and I think I always knew that. On the multiple dates we went on I craved for him to act around me the same way he has been acting around Sara, like a love sick teenage boy afraid to show his feelings. I think Sara craved for him to act the way he acts around me, like a man who is interested in more than my intellect.

She craved. Past tense.

I know, I think I'm the only one besides them who knows as I have witnessed her being sick, I have noticed her staying away from Greg's special blend, but most of all I have noticed her touching her abdomen multiple times during the day and I have noticed him watching her abdomen on even more occasions.

As I reach out to let Grissom know they are here, that he is here. I'm not sure Grissom should be the one who tells him he is about to lose everything he lives for. Then again, I'm not sure who should.

**TBC**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer**: Not mine, never has been and never will be.

**Fade to Black**

_Sara_

I'm afraid.

Not so much of this situation, but more of what Nick will think when he hears what I said. My words must have reached the press by now and if I didn't lose him this morning, I must have lost him now.

He has been so patient, annoyingly patient and this morning when I found myself stuck in an irrational thinking pattern I just couldn't cope with Nick being Nick.

I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to say the words I drove him to say eventually, but when he said them they hurt so much more than I could have imagined.

_"I'm not sure if you just don't want this baby, or that you just want to get rid of me as well."_

I realize that my words must have hurt him just as much.

_"Maybe that's just it maybe I just don't want you or your baby. Tell me Nick, do you want me?"_

Silence.

_"Oh Sara."_

_"Just don't."_

My cell phone rang. Grissom wanted me to come in. Nick knew what he wanted from me. He always seems to know and he hates it when I let Grissom treat me like a puppet on strings. Letting him decide how to run my life, letting him run my life.

_"Sara, you can't do this. You can't leave it like this."_

I didn't answer him, I just turned around and gathered my stuff.

_"Fine. I don't know why I bother, I don't know why I care about any of this."_

He left before I could leave him in all the misery I created.

I tried to convince myself I was going to be better of without him. I think I succeeded, I almost did, for a second.

**TBC**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer**: Not mine, never has been and never will be.

**A/N**: Just a little warning. Those who have read my other stories know by now that I'm not one for neat wrapped up endings. I always have a semi open/closed ending, so just be prepared that this might end that way as well. Also, some may find my stories confusing. I know they are and I try to be as clear as possible, but my way of building stories and angst is by letting things left unsaid/unwritten. If you have any questions let me know and I will try my best to answer you.

**Fade to Black**

_Warrick_

Silence. Frightening silence surrounding us. It seems life came to a halt and it doesn't take us long to realize it really has.

From the corner of my eyes I can see Nick is frantically searching the crime scene with his eyes. The confidence with which Catherine is leading us to the crime scene diminishes with each step she takes. And I silently pray that things aren't as bad as they look from a distance.

Slowly we approach the group of people who are currently forming the night shift. Nick is falling behind and when I turn around to see what is wrong I catch a glimpse of what is displayed on the television monitor. Before I can react my eyes meet Nick's and utter despair becomes apparent on his face. He falls on the ground and I just stand there and watch him fall apart in a way I have never seen before.

_Greg_

Soft sobs which are becoming louder by the second make me lift my head and look over to what is happening behind me. I shift my gaze to the two people who are standing beside me. It seems like no one knows what to do and thus we keep staring and for a microsecond we forget about the images on the screen behind us.

I can see a myriad of emotions pass across Grissom's face: anger, jealousy and finally compassion. I don't think he knew. Come to think of it we still don't know and suddenly I'm scared. Scared to lose so much more.

Sara created a safe haven for me. She has tried so hard to keep me away from the lies surrounding our jobs and now it feels like that in itself was a lie.

I try to focus, I try to decide what to do, I try so many things, but all these trials falter.

Finally, after what seems like hours, but in reality are mere seconds Sofia walks over to Nick and crouches down next to him.

Against all odds Sofia actually started to like Sara. Against all odds Sara started to tolerate Sofia and against all odds Sofia is the one who does something about the situation which is keeping all of us paralyzed.

I remember someone once told me that things happen for a reason, but when the night shift got split up a little over a year ago I thought that just was a big lie to make horrible situations bearable. At this moment I think I need to reconsider that opinion. I think Sofia may have been that reason.

**TBC**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer**: Not mine, never has been and never will be.

**A/N**: Sorry for the delayed update. I will try to update faster, I promise. Emily (Ebabe): no, Sara isn't exactly missing as they know where she is. She being held hostage by a psychopath.

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**Fade to Black**

_Brass_

Everyone else seems to have turned away from the monitor, but my eyes are glued to the screen. It's standard procedure to try to get live images in a hostage situation. Just like it is standard procedure to have sharp shooters on several buildings surrounding us. I have tried to look away, but I can't.

Some may say I have fatherly feelings towards Sara, but I wouldn't call it that. I have fatherly feelings towards Ellie and nothing good ever came out of that. During all these years I haven't been able to name the feelings I have for Sara. There is something about her, something familiar. The haunted look in her eyes reminds me of the look in the eyes reflected in the mirror I have stared at many waking hours when I should have been asleep.

I thought she was doing better. I had seen her smile, a smile she had hidden for over 4 years. I thought that smile indicated she had finally escaped the downward spiral she had found herself in. I was wrong, her words proved me wrong.

_"Take me, I don't care. Death can't be as painful as life can be."_

Her words keep replaying in my mind accompanied by the images of her being yanked away and thrown against a wall at the other side of the room.

I didn't want to leave her there, but her eyes pleaded with me to take the girl away. The shallow breathing of the girl who collapsed into my arms urged me to do what I will regret doing for the rest of my life. I left.

I left and she screamed and then she went quiet, so quiet and she has been quiet ever since.

_Sara_

Quiet. I stay quiet and try to control my breathing pattern.

Staying quiet and still has been my coping mechanism since I was a little girl. When things escalated in my house, which they often did, I tried to stay as quiet and still as possible. Hoping my mother or father would forget about me. I closed my eyes and imagined turning invisible. It never worked, but I kept trying.

I have no idea how long I have been here. It seems like hours. I'm surprised he hasn't come near me. I expected him to do to me what I have seen done to the girls in our morgue, but he hasn't approached me and I'm laying here much like a prisoner on death row waiting for the final seconds to strike.

I slowly open my eyes, not too wide, not wanting to set off the psychopath located somewhere behind me.

And I wait, I wait for the seconds to turn into minutes, which turn into hours and then they will quietly turn into days.

**TBC**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer**: Not mine, never has been and never will be.

**A/N**: I know I promised I would update sooner I'm sorry. BTW Thank you so much for the reviews, some of them didn't appear on the review page, but I did get them in my e-mail, so thanks.

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**Fade to Black**

_Sofia_

I wonder if I believe half the things I tell Nick. I go on and on about how she will be okay, how they will be okay, that they will have a perfect baby in just a couple of months. He doesn't react, at all. He raises his head slightly when I tell him that Sara is stronger now that she is pregnant. That she will fight even more because she has to protect her unborn child. I pray he believes this and I try to believe it myself. I too have heard the words she said just before she traded places with the girl who is currently in the hospital fighting for her life.

Catherine is watching us. I can feel her eyes on me. I'm sure she thinks she should be the one doing this, but she doesn't know Nick and more importantly she doesn't know Sara. Nick needs someone who knows Sara. I think I know Sara. I have gotten to know her by observation. I have observed her hour after hour, trying to find out what it is that keeps Grissom drawn to her. I think I found out today. Sara is just plain and simple Sara. She is an enigma who has touched people's lifes in ways she doesn't even realize herself.

I hear someone moving around behind us. I can feel the movement of air caused by someone kneeling down next to us. I look up and meet the stale blue eyes belonging to the person who is probably losing it just as much as the person next to me. He doesn't show it. He has managed to keep it together, which is no surprise, but what he does next surprises all of us.

_Grissom_

It is strangely comforting to be near the person who has taken my position. Thoughts have never scared me, but they do now. So many questions, so little answers and I will have to cope with that and it is scaring me.

I need to know when all of this went wrong, when these two people decided it was necessary to lead a secret life. I know the answer is within myself, but I can not go there, not now.

I have been watching the images on the screen. For a moment I thought something was wrong, because it seemed like the image was frozen. Neither of them was moving, but then she opened her eyes. I don't think anyone else has noticed.

It's true what they say: when you are about to lose one of your senses your other senses improve. I could see the slight movement of her eyes very clearly.

I have kept this knowledge to myself. They have been talking about shooting the psychopath who is keeping Sara captive. There is no way that Sara will be unharmed if they will go through with this plan. The only reason they haven't done this already is that they aren't sure what her condition is. They can't lose her because of her their own strategy and thus they wait.

**TBC**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer**: Not mine, never has been and never will be.

**A/N** Life has been hectic, but that's no excuse for my lack of updating. It's more that I'm contemplating rewriting the last chapter, because I'm not totally satisfied with it. Hopefully, I will get around doing that soon. Thanks for all the reviews.

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**Fade to Black**

_Nick_

So terribly angry and then scared. These feelings are rapidly exchanging in my body.

How on earth could she have done this to herself, to us. What was she think? Was she thinking?

Grissom located next to me is making me even angrier. What was he thinking, what is he thinking?

I desperately want to turn back time, to make today yesterday and yesterday the day before that and so on. I need to tell her how much I care, I need to show her. Sara isn't good with words, with expressing them or accepting them. I should have made her accept. I should have forced them on her. I should have done so many things. Actions speak louder than words...

Behind me they are watching the images from the room. I can't make myself turn around and watch them. A FBI agent asks someone located near me if we can contact her family. I hear Grissom answer.

_"We are her family."_

I can see him nodding towards me from the corners of my eyes. He can not say the words which are undoubtedly forming in his head right now, that I'm her family. Slowly I raise my head, tears still streaming from my eyes blur my vision.

Slowly he starts explaining what they want to do, they tell me they want to shoot the psychopath, they tell me there is a chance Sara will get injured.

I tell him _"no"_. He can't hear me. I speak up and tell him _"no"_ again. I tell him they can't do that. I softly whisper they can't do that because she is pregnant, she is carrying _my_ child.

I don't think he has heard me, but I know Grissom has heard me loud and clear. He turns away from me and I feel like I'm being punished. I feel lost.

Sofia still standing next to me repeats my words. Who would have ever thought I would be grateful for Sofia?

I can hear everyone surrounding me thinking. They think about how Sara could have jeopardized the life of her child like this. I cannot blame them, but they do not know Sara. They do not know about her suffering. They do not know Sara feels responsible for all the abused women and children on this planet. I know and I have a hard time understanding, but I have to understand. I need to understand to keep faith.

**TBC**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer**: Not mine, never has been and never will be.

**A/N**: I have finished rewriting the last chapter today, so hopefully I will able to post it sometime this week or maybe next week, but not much later. I'm not promising though since I have a problem sticking to my promises. There are lots of things I want to say about this story, but I feel that when I would do that I would give away too much, so I won't do it.

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**Fade to Black**

_Brass_

He still hasn't come near her and I silently pray the situation will remain the same.

I have heard Nick's words through Sofia's mouth. I have heard them and they make me sad. Sad because it makes the distance between myself and every other person working at the LVPD even bigger.

I'm probably the only one here who actually thinks Sara would be a great mother, will be a great mother. I have seen her with the kids of victims and the kids that are the victims themselves. She always cares, sometimes she doesn't know how to express it, but it is clear she cares and the children know she does. That's probably why they always take to her. Once we had an argument about a little girl who had witnessed her whole family being slaughtered, a sick family, but still her family and Sara didn't want to take care of the girl. She went as far as telling me this in front of the girl. I think Grissom put her in charge of the girl because he needed a woman to take of her and because Catherine wouldn't be able to deal with it being a mother herself. He probably thought Sara would be able to stay detached and professional. How wrong was he. He doesn't know how she asked me a couple of months after this particular case to find out where the girl was placed. He doesn't know and neither should I, but I do, because I want to make sure the cases she works will not break her down, that she still visits the girl in her foster care family, just like she still visits the parents of the girl who was killed because she was afraid to write down a name during line up. Sara will be a natural at being a mother, but I'm sure she doesn't believe that herself.

I'm exhausted. I wouldn't be able to tell which day it is. Ever since we started to work this case the days have slowly started to blend into one big nightmare. Normally the rush of adrenaline would keep me awake. A rush of adrenaline caused by my determination to solve this case. This time it is different though. Fear is keeping me awake. I close my eyes for a second. I tell myself this will make me think better.

I can hear people yelling around me. I open my eyes and for a second I think I still have them closed, because the screen is pitch black.

_Warrick_

It's like everything is happening in slow motion. I can see Nick running towards the building. I can see Catherine is telling me something, but I can't hear her. I just watch her mouth open and close until she shakes me and tells me we should go after Nick. In any other situation the FBI agents would have stopped us, but it seems like they have been surprised themselves and are in a state of shock and confusion. Brass is following us at a short distance, followed by a SWAT team.

The prayer my mother has taught me when I was little is repeating itself in my brain like a mantra. There are some things in life you never forget, just like I never forgot how much I care about Sara, even though I was expected to forget.

We enter the building, we run up the stairs and I realize we have no idea where we are going. I pull out my gun as I watch Catherine do the same. We do not wait until the SWAT team clears the rooms.

And then we find them. Nick is cradling Sara in his arms and they are so quiet and a part of me dies that minute.

**TBC**


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer**: Not mine, never has been and never will be.

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**Fade to Black **

_Grissom_

The church is packed with people. I recognize part of Nick's family among them. I'm surprised to recognize several victims and families of victims from cases Sara has worked on. I never realized she kept in touch with them. I never realized how she touched the lifes of so many people, including my own, until it was too late.

I'm standing alone in a dark corner. Jim has tried to convince me to sit with the rest of the team who are sitting in the front row of the church, but I cannot do that, it hurts too much. He asked me why I couldn't do this one thing for Sara, he asked if I couldn't just think of her instead of myself, just for this one time. I answered that it was too late to start doing things for her. I should have done them many years ago when there was just me and Sara, when there was this fragile young girl eager to learn everything I had to offer and then some, when there was no Catherine, no Warrick and no Nick. I watched her grow and stumble on the way. I watched her fight against authority and against herself. I watched her fall into unknown and dark depths, I watched her fall for me and I watched her fall in love. I watched, I observed and I denied what the evidence told me when she lost herself. When I lost her.

A cry in the back of the church announces her arrival. I fight against my desire to turn around and look at her once more as if she were mine. I lose.

It's not as if I haven't seen her, talked to her, touched her, since we have found her. I have, just not in the way I would have liked. I'm tired, I'm tired of these confusing feelings coursing through my body.

I look at her. She catches my eye, she turns away. Whatever we had is broken, I have pushed her one time too many, but I still love her.

She is beautiful, love suits her, motherhood suits her. Parenthood suits them both. Nick proudly holds their daughter. He smiles at Sara, she smiles back a small but beautiful smile. He kisses the top of her head while she tries to soothe her daughter, their daughter and not mine.

Her daughter is going to be baptized, she has every right to be happy. Who am I to deny her what she deserves?

And _I_, I find happiness in the worried glances she sends my way. Somehow the knowledge that they spent some time apart after she was saved reduces my misery. I hate myself for having these feelings. I wonder what is wrong with me.

I'm not haunted by the knowledge we never did find the psychopath who disappeared into thin air. My counselor tells me as long as I acknowledge these feelings everything is going to be just fine.

_Fine, just fine. _

Sara told me they would be just fine. I still felt the need to ask her if she was really happy. I knew I shouldn't have asked. I knew it wasn't my place to ask her this.

I didn't expect her to answer me and she didn't, she just nodded her head in the direction of Nick who was cradling their daughter and that answered my question more than words could ever do.

_I_ lost, but _she_ was saved and therefore _we_ won.

**FIN**

**A/N** First of all thank you for all the lovely reviews. I'm glad you enjoyed reading this story, although I know you probably didn't like me very much along the way. But I did post this chapter way sooner than you expected, than I expected, some of your reviews just urged me to. Oh and I wanted to thank all of you who have kept me sane with your stories this past year. There is nothing better than end a day with a great N/S story;-)


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